The Idiocy Report
by Techno RE
Summary: A parody of Wesker's Report, storylines, plot, and characters that are Resident Evil. Isn't RE great?


Well, here is my fan-fiction parody I was telling you about

The Idiocy Report

By Techno RE

8/27/01

A man in a black jumpsuit with blonde hair and sultry shades stood in a small room with one light. The single light shown on a chair, it was extremely bright. The man circled the chair relentlessly, slowly, like a predator waiting to attack its prey. Sitting in the chair was a 20 year old woman. She had brown hair with the name "Chambers" written on the left side of her combat vest. "Tell me where." demanded the voice from the darkness. "You tell me who you are first." replied the scared and silky voice. "Don't you recognize the voice of your enemy?" asked the man as he lunged toward the chair with great speed. "Wesker? I thought you blew up with the mansion and why did you shoot me? That was totally uncool." "Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead so show some respect by telling me where!" The man got up in the captive's face and removed his sunglasses. His eyes glistened an errie yellow and orange. With his cat like pupils, staring a hole in Rebecca's eyes, he asked for a last time, "Tell me where the remaining S.T.A.R.S. are, now!" "I can't talk to dead people 'cause they are dead." "Yes, you can." "Nope." "Yes." "Nope." "Yes." "Nope." "You tell me right now or you'll feel a pain-" at that moment Albert stopped because he noticed a flash of white before his eyes. He rubbed them faintly as he gradually leaned back and walked out of the room. Rebecca started to hum the Sandford and Son theme and then switched to a circus theme. She alternated themes like this for the duration of her former captain's absence. The men behind the trick mirror adjacent to the chair looked at each with surprised odd faces. After about three minutes Wesker returned to the room and started to speak, "That coffee maker takes forever to heat up then when it finally-" he suddenly stopped talking because he spilled the coffee all over his jumpsuit when the traitor was startled. Wesker looked at the stains on his jacket by slowly turning his head downwards and he started to sob quietly. "What's a matter, did you figure out you are dead? Because I am a field medic and I know when people are dead." Wesker replied in a sobbing voice, "It's this new virus. 'sniff' Birkin must have neglected to tell me of it's side effects because he must have known I was 'sniff' going to a new company." "What side effects?" "Well, 'sniff, sniff' I ware these sunglasses to protect me from what I can see when I remove them" "What can you see when you take your shades off?" The captain had stopped crying and managed to regain himself. "I'm sorry, I have been under a lot of stress lately with me trying to catch and kill all of you. But what I see doesn't make any sense," he then managed to stutter out "Pop-n-Fresh, The Pillsbury Dough-Boy." Rebecca tried as hard as she could to keep from laughing but it was no use. Ms. Chambers kept laughing until she was interrupted by a booming voice, "shut up!" Wesker would have cussed her out but he witnessed a disturbing site. There on the floor, with its stubby arms in the air, it started to moonwalk. As it propelled itself backward with its nubs for legs it let out a "hmm-hmm!" as it looked at Wesker with a smile. Albert shivered and quickly put his sunglasses back on and looked in the direction of the six inch Pop-n-Fresh. To his relief, it was gone. By now Rebecca had quit laughing and went back to humming the circus theme. She was quickly stopped by Wesker, "Hey," he said as the field medic looked at him, "see if you recognize this man." said Wesker as he motioned his hand at the trick mirror. A man with a red vest came through the light brown door. "Barry!" cried Rebecca. "Oh, this isn't the real Barry, it is a clone; now watch this! Forest!" said Albert. The hybrid looked at Wesker and repeated over and over, "Oh my, G-od! Oh my, G-od! Oh my, G-od!" "For some reason we couldn't get that statement out of his brain! Barry, be yourself." directed Wesker. Barry then stopped talking and asked if he could examine a pool of blood. "Uh…here." said Wesker as he dumped the remaining coffee in his cup on the ground. The Barry clone knelt down and intently looked at the puddle. Wesker then turned his eyes back to the youngest S.T.A.R.S. member. Pulling out a syringe and a small bottle of purple liquid Wesker said, "Let's see what you think, since you won't talk to the living dead. This liquid has the names of every person vital to my mission encoded in it." He rolled up Rebecca's sleeve and injected her with the liquid. Albert then pulled out a Playskool microphone and radio and pushed in the green button that said, "Record" Noticing the traitor captain holding a microphone to her face she quickly became drowsy and closed her eyes. This is what idiocy report says:

"After being sent out by Willy Wonka to retrieve the special lollipop, Hunk runs into and kills Wesker after he is killed by the Tyrant in RE1 and after he injects himself with the 'special virus'. Wesker dies twice before his report. Wesker then comes back to life and does a crack deal with Nicholai behind the 'Stagla' gas station. Steve witnesses this inadvertently and Nicholai notices so he sends Nemesis to do a drive by on Mr. Burnside's house. After killing Wesker, Hunk runs to Ada and kills her after falling to her death in RE2. Ada dies twice. A tired Hunk makes his way to 'Baskin Robbins' to get some ice cream for a job well done with his 'Umbrella Bucks'. The Chimera behind the counter walks slowly towards Hunk, grabs his money, turns his head and looks at it. After a few seconds he gives a thumbs-up to Mr.X who has a chef's hat on and happily scoops out the ice cream. After getting his bubble gum flavor ice cream he goes to sit down but notices a woman starring at him and his gas mask helmet he still has on. Hunk sits next to her and they talk. Afterwards they go to her house and Hunk gets her pregnant with the T-Veronica virus. That's right, his sperm is T-Veronica virus. He extends a middle finger to his one night stand, Annette Birkin, and leaves. But, he suddenly stops in the middle of a dry, grassy, field and clutches his stomach. Still holding on to the lollipop he was sent after, he feels a pain in his lower stomach. All of a sudden, a sound fills the air, 'HONK'. Hunk knew what was wrong and takes care of it. Feeling five pounds lighter, he meets Forest at the local YMCA for fencing lessons. Forest eventually tries to eat Hunk but manages to escape by running away and crying. Hunk then gets flown by Ed Dewey to Rockfort Island and after playing Ping Pong with Alfred he discovers he is not only artificially gestated but is also an alien. D.I.J.'s secret journal in RE:CV is actually Jill who was shrunk by Gamma Rays after she went into outerspace with Chris in his Volkswagen Beetle with special Umbrella jet packs stolen from Sherry's 'Birkinmobile'. Meanwhile, Ark Thompson is rollerblading down the hills of Raccoon City and discovers he is actually in a huge training facility and being watched by cameras everywhere like in that Jim Carey movie. Jill, Chris, and Sherry later meet Claire and Leon making a porn movie in France called, 'Sir Bangs a lot'. They then head to where Umbrella's main base is in France. Upon entering the front doors they kill the receptionist, Vincent, who already died in RE:S and the first two dogs you run into in RE1, Did and Dod. They eventually meet Umbrella's leader who is Mikhail, and android, which was designed to tell jokes and change diapers. He already died in RE3 but he is artificial. Carlos later has started a new company to rival Umbrella, what is the new company you ask? Well, in RE7x it is discovered in his diary; you can find in one of the craters of the numerous moons of Jupiter that it is a rubber band company. Making a huge rubber band and a giant slingshot, he plans to launch all of the hate in the world at the earth moon to destroy it. You, Elza Walker, must destroy the new company 'Elastic' by love. Lott and Lilly from RE:S will help you with their child like innocence. You will face surprisingly hard puzzles such as to destroy the plant creatures, found in RE2, you must combine the 'gasoline' with the 'weedwhip'. How can this be done? Find out in the new game RE7x, out five days after RE4, RE5, RE5x, RE6, and RE6x (Marvel versus Capcom, where Hunk must face Wolverine and Magneto in a secret bonus game you can never get to!). Oh yeah, I almost forgot, if you collect 'Umbrella Bucks' and save enough from RE4, RE5, and 6 you can get RE7 for free with this money…..but the offer is only good in Japan." Wesker eventually pushed "Stop" after she was done rambling and wondered what she was talking about. He looked at the drug he had given her and realized he had accidentally given her Heroin instead of the truth agent drug. Wesker and his colleges then ran out of the small building and set it for self-destruct. Rebecca eventually came to and heard the countdown was at five minutes. After all this time, Barry was still hunched over looking at the puddle of coffee. "Barry help me!" The voice broke his concentration of the puddle so he looked at the woman in peril and then he started to check his gun. Rolling her eyes, Rebecca asked "Barry, who does Wesker work for now?" "Himself, who doesn't." Realizing the answer was incorrect she yelled as she heard there was only a minute left on the audio countdown, "Barry, this place is going to explode. Untie me so we can get outta here!" "What the hell?" said Barry as he got up. The bumbling police officer started to run to untie her but tripped on his shoelaces he forgot to tie on his boots. The countdown went to zero; The Barry Clone and Rebecca were killed instantly. Driving away in his Ferrari, Wesker took off his sunglasses to enjoy the sunset. Albert then heard and saw Pop-n-Fresh dancing on the hood of his car. Wesker pulled out his pistol and started firing at the glob of dough. The happy six inch baker dodged every bullet with ease and with a smile on his face. Every shot that was fired at it came with a "Hmm-Hmm!" Wesker, who was obviously frightened, lost control of the car and mowed into a support beam of a bridge. The frightened man was thrown through the windshield because of his neglect to secure/fasten his seat belt. He was lucky the new virus helped him survive the crash. As the former captain slowly regained consciousness, he noticed Pop-n-Fresh crawl into his ear and he screamed loudly. Albert then stood up and noticed he had a sudden urge to make biscuits and cookies.


End file.
